This has been a most scary, exhilarating, important and truly beautiful experience all at once. This has been one of my hardest lessons to learn because being in control has worked for me and helped me survive mentally and emotionally so many of my traumas. My first step into it all was an involuntary shamanic death experience I had - the ultimate form of not being in control. I am a counselor, so it is so important to appear confident and in control, knowing what you are doing at all times, even when you have no answers. It is the same way of being a parent, having to be on top of things all of the time. Lately the weight of wanting to be in control has been crushing.
This is an incredible important spiritual lesson and daily in all of our lives. In our daily spiritual practice, I believe it is what separates us from our deities. It is our over cautiousness, our inability to trust ourselves, our deities, our path. It is our inability to let go of this world and travel to the next one. This could be in a spiritual sense, a daily life sense or it could be just stepping into another person's shoes.
When I say not being in control, I don't mean being a blind sheep to fate, nor being reckless and uncaring. It is about letting go completely, while honing your skills, being ready when opportunity calls. A favorite saying of mine from the movie Little Black Book (very, very cool movie) states "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation" It is to learn to flow with the forces of the universe that are much greater than ourselves, while still not losing who we are - our principles, desires, needs - just being flexible in them.
The first step in not being in control is realizing we are not the center of the universe. There are sooo many intricate strands and people balanced in the Great Web of Life. We simply cannot bulldoze our way through without consequences. It is to acknowledge we have less power in the outer world then we think we have. It is letting go of our egos, but not letting ourselves go at the same time. We need to learn to live differently. I've seen this countless times with people who try to convert others into whatever - be it religion, food, self help, a certain lifestyle. "I know what is best for you" mentality.
Not to be in control means opening yourself up to huge fears of the possibility that you may fall and be hurt. Often times we are terrified to let go because we do not trust our own abilities to deal with life, our own abilities to get up, our own abilities to heal ourselves. This is what Existentialists call the great leap of faith. Often times we are too comfortable in our situation to allow ourselves to not be in control. We either become too quiet or too loud to deflect our fears/spotlight from ourselves.
My hunter god is teaching me patience in this. Hunters, fishermen/fisherwomen have to wait before the right opportunities come before acting on them. Otherwise incredible amounts of time and energy is wasted in the mean time. You hurt your opportunities even more so, by disturbing the natural flow or missing something else that may be vitally important, while swatting around.
Much of the reason why most people fear not being in control is doing it voluntarily vs. involuntarily. Most of my clients suffer from trauma through involuntary circumstances. To overcome this you have to delve inside and to fully acknowledge your hurt completely before you can even begin to heal it. It is an extremely painful journey to relive past memories, but vitally important. For no matter how painful these memories, they are a big part of who you are. You cannot deny them any more than to deny your own skin.
There is great exhilaration in going off the beaten path, to lose yourself on your carefully scripted journey, to find your true self and allowing your gods and goddess to guide you. To be open to wonders you have never before imagined and would never find on your own. There is a saying that goes "Fear is a mind killer" It really does suck the creativity and fun oout of all that is life. Not being in control is also true test of your faith and spirituality. Not just saying you believe or announcing it loudly but living it. As a wise Chinese saying goes "The hardest thing in the world to do, is to do nothing at all."
The consequences of not being able to let go and lose control are just as disastrous. It means living a fearful, walled up boring life, with no new opportunities. It is to hold your onto to your mate, your child, your job so tight that your knuckles are sooo white you can't even feel your hands and you no longer enjoy any of the above, any longer.
In some ways this has been incredibly easy for me to write - the words just flowed from a very deep place in my soul - a bloodletting of sorts. It is for that same reason that it has been by far and away my hardest blog to write. During the writing I shook and been often to near tears. But anything worth doing requires effort, even when the effort is not do anything at all and to NOT be in control.