I played with legos yesterday with my daughter. I took about ½ hour to construct this building consisting of 5 separate towers. After I finished it, I admired this long and hard. Then I took each and every piece apart, like the Buddhist ceremony of sweeping away the sand mandelas. It was amazing at all the energy literally that came off of the pieces as I did so. There was such a beautiful release of actual energy that I felt as I did so. I never thought something as ordinary as Legos could have energy/spiritual aspects to them.
I learned that anything that you invest energy into takes on a life of it's own. This is just the tip of what I hope to be my lessons on energy. I also now understand reincarnation more than ever. I understand the need to let go of our egos, of our lives, of the objects of our lives, no matter how pretty or how much we may love them. It is something I will be doing more and more in my life. The need to release and let go, no matter how beautiful it may be, when it's time is finished, purpose done, the energy needs to be dispersed. This part of being Pagan it is a phenomenal part of our religion and a needed part of our existence, no matter how much we want to grasp. It is thoughts like these of my impermanence that give me comfort now a days. I am learning to make peace with my old nemesis of death. When you let go of one form/object/etc. It allows you to shape shift to inumerable other possibilities.
Webster's dictionary defines sacrifices as giving up something valuable for the sake of something else, it is the act/ritual of offering. It can be your time, yourself, certain habits, a lifestyle, a loved one, any number of things
This was inspired by Niamh's article "I sacrifice comfort for despair" The article was well written and made tons of sense. It was so well written, I even made a handout out of it to give to my mental health clients. But the principle itself really turned my stomach. As a male I found it a very distasteful concept. Although I did do sacrificing, I never looked at it that way. When I wanted something, I hunted after it, if I could not reach it, I withdrew and waited for the next opportunity. I lived very much in the moment, very much on instinct. My instinct allowed me to become a jack of all trades, but never really had the focus to sacrifice myself to something bigger. Voluntarily giving up something or myself seemed like paying the bully in school not to beat me up and hoping he kept his end of the bargain. It felt like the other main sacrifice I hear about all the time, how Jesus sacrificed himself for our sins - even more distasteful than the bully imagery.
As events have changed recently in my life, I realize just how short sighted this was. The sacrifice part, not the Jesus part. I realized I could no longer have my cake and eat it to. I realized if I was going to have any meaningful depth in my life either way I would have to sacrifice something. Whether it was dreams for stability. Time and energy for studies of the spiritual. I realized why my life had not been working all of these years, it was because I was not willing to make that investment, that total commitment, that total sacrifice.
As I look at and start to learn and live the meaning of sacrifice, I am realizing the many principles involved in it. First, the sacrifice like anything needs to be well thought out, if not, then there are no take backs, no returns, no exchanges, no do overs. It also has to be something truly of value to you, otherwise the sacrifice is a joke and a dishonor to the divinities or powers that be.
Like anything else good you have to give yourself whole heartedly to this process. You must see the beauty of it. The sacrifice to be truly worthy must be voluntary and it is an act of bowing down to something that is bigger than you, be it it a god/goddess, a goal, situation, or a purpose, or perhaps even a spell. It really carves the ego down to size in a good way, for those who are willing to put this small part of themselves down. When sacrifice is done non voluntarily or forced is when it becomes much more uglier. It is then called a consequence or a punishment.
A strict warning to fluffy bunnies abound, the only problem with sacrifice is that you get typically get the treats/reward until after the sacrifice is made. Be it cooking a stew, a relationship, meditation, studying for an exam etc. A good end result is NEVER guaranteed. Though certain things are a better bet than others. Another warning is that typically whatever you sacrifice will have consequences to not only yourself but those around you, if not now, then later. Once a path of sacrifice has been made, it will require more.
In practical terms I have experienced this in meditation. I have started to confront my scattered thoughts and impulses by mentally saying "I sacrifice my desire to get up, to get distracted for something even better higher good. Now I am suddenly finding the concept of sacrifice in everything I do and say. I am finding it all over in the world.
In the end it I have found this concept of sacrifice very grounding. It is not always ice cream and puppy dogs, but it is a cornerstone to leading a life of substance and something you can be proud of. Once you begin to truly live it, it will turn you from a boy intor a man, from a girl into a woman, from a novice into an elder. What are you willing to sacrifice?
Yesterday I had my most beautiful outdoor/spiritual experience since my recent crisis over a week ago. There is a park near by me that has many playgrounds, many paved paths. I am industrious enough to find the hidden nooks and crannies that most people don't traverse. I parked my car by the creek and almost immediately I was rewarded - I was not sure whether I saw a woodchuck in the water or a baby beaver, swimming across the creek, but it was definitely a mammal. Walking further I stood over the bridge and marveled at the beauty of the river in both directions, stunning waters glistening in the sun as it was starting to set. There was a steady breeze blowing swaying the many weeping willows by the water. As walked on the broken asphalt path, I saw goslings scurrying across, watchful parents corralling them in, suspiciously looking at me.
I moved even farther away from the playground to a more wilder wooded area. There I saw the most picturesque site in years - a field of dandelions amongst the trees. I swear it was something out of magazine or a children's book it was so natural and beautiful. I was so moved by it that I had to sit my butt - dress pants and all in the semi muddied dirt of that field. It was amazing to see the wind ripple through the grass like waves on an ocean. It was so nice, just to feel so small and witnessing it all. It was so different than my everyday life where I am surrounded by only a handful of beings at any one point in time. Here there was lives upon lives here, some bigger than me and probably older, some like the dandelions just born this season. I can't tell you the sacredness of being allowed to feel so small in the midst of such a brimming symphony of life.
Making my way back, my last treat still lay waiting for me. I looked at the trees on my path and started to make individual faces and souls. It was not that I saw it in the bark but saw it spiritually. You know that old saying "I can't tell the difference between (fill in your race), they all look exactly alike". It because you have not immersed yourself deeply enough to understand their individuality. It was no different with nature and things we do not consider human.
As I walked back to my car, I realized more and more this is the type of life I want to live. This is where I truly belong, not just as an occasional weekend excursion into a park. I want to daily behold this beauty and live amongst the woods the rest of my days. I want to become more of a part time visitor to the human realm vs. the natural world.
When you start off something new, anything new, it like being a teenager being between stages, neither an adult yet neither a child. It is a phase of being a fluffy bunny.
First off, there is always a romanticized feeling about new beginnings, about starting off something new, be it a relationships, religion, jobs, school, lifestyle. There is that thrill, energies and untold potential behind it all. There is a deep air of mystery and anticipation behind it. This initial phase consists of doing a lot of playing and pretending, thus the term "wanna be" Often times just like when people are teenagers they surround themselves with other like minded "wanna be's" not necessarily to learn from each other as much as to come together in safety. For starting off any new adventure is really, really scary.
Then something comes to dislodge you initially from that safety nest - be it unemployment - having to go to college - a vision - or marriage or some other right of passage. It is a hard bounce into the reality of what you undertake. It is that moment as in the movie the Matrix - do I take the red pill or blue pill. I have to make a choice now and it will forever change everything. Another example of this is a 1st year college student who flunks out his/her first semester due to excessive partying. It is the end of being a fluffy bunny......at least for the moment!
Once you get past this faze you realize how much dedication, preparation, study, countless internal sparring, refining, energy and time is required for this goal. It is beyond reaching the goal. It is a literal transforming and shapeshifting yourself into something new.
Many people fail due to the fear of being overwhelmed, losing a sense of themselves. They get childishly impatient about how their version of becoming an adult does not match up with reality. They get very lonely, for this journey must be taken alone. There are immense fears of being a failure, questioning your abilities, losing all the time and energy you have put into it for nothing. It is enough to send anyone of us in any phase of change - whether we choose to call ourselves a fluffy bunny or not - running for the hills (((LOL))) or back to our old secure place of being a fluffy bunny!
What keeps those of us going on despite this is a burning desire for something more than what we have, a passion for a new direction. There is that fear of returning back to that old self that no longer fits - like an old high school t-shirt. What also keeps us going it that there is that slowly seeing of changes within us and that thread of hope in seeing things move forward just one more step further. It wets our appetite just that much to want to keep going.
This blog is in dedication to anyone who tries anything new, anyone who embarks upon something new and fully embraces that effort. It is to all those fluffy bunnies, myself included. Beginnings are always very messy, but so worth the effort if we stay the course. We become transformed into something entirely new. We become a work of art.
This has been a most scary, exhilarating, important and truly beautiful experience all at once. This has been one of my hardest lessons to learn because being in control has worked for me and helped me survive mentally and emotionally so many of my traumas. My first step into it all was an involuntary shamanic death experience I had - the ultimate form of not being in control. I am a counselor, so it is so important to appear confident and in control, knowing what you are doing at all times, even when you have no answers. It is the same way of being a parent, having to be on top of things all of the time. Lately the weight of wanting to be in control has been crushing.
This is an incredible important spiritual lesson and daily in all of our lives. In our daily spiritual practice, I believe it is what separates us from our deities. It is our over cautiousness, our inability to trust ourselves, our deities, our path. It is our inability to let go of this world and travel to the next one. This could be in a spiritual sense, a daily life sense or it could be just stepping into another person's shoes.
When I say not being in control, I don't mean being a blind sheep to fate, nor being reckless and uncaring. It is about letting go completely, while honing your skills, being ready when opportunity calls. A favorite saying of mine from the movie Little Black Book (very, very cool movie) states "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation" It is to learn to flow with the forces of the universe that are much greater than ourselves, while still not losing who we are - our principles, desires, needs - just being flexible in them.
The first step in not being in control is realizing we are not the center of the universe. There are sooo many intricate strands and people balanced in the Great Web of Life. We simply cannot bulldoze our way through without consequences. It is to acknowledge we have less power in the outer world then we think we have. It is letting go of our egos, but not letting ourselves go at the same time. We need to learn to live differently. I've seen this countless times with people who try to convert others into whatever - be it religion, food, self help, a certain lifestyle. "I know what is best for you" mentality.
Not to be in control means opening yourself up to huge fears of the possibility that you may fall and be hurt. Often times we are terrified to let go because we do not trust our own abilities to deal with life, our own abilities to get up, our own abilities to heal ourselves. This is what Existentialists call the great leap of faith. Often times we are too comfortable in our situation to allow ourselves to not be in control. We either become too quiet or too loud to deflect our fears/spotlight from ourselves.
My hunter god is teaching me patience in this. Hunters, fishermen/fisherwomen have to wait before the right opportunities come before acting on them. Otherwise incredible amounts of time and energy is wasted in the mean time. You hurt your opportunities even more so, by disturbing the natural flow or missing something else that may be vitally important, while swatting around.
Much of the reason why most people fear not being in control is doing it voluntarily vs. involuntarily. Most of my clients suffer from trauma through involuntary circumstances. To overcome this you have to delve inside and to fully acknowledge your hurt completely before you can even begin to heal it. It is an extremely painful journey to relive past memories, but vitally important. For no matter how painful these memories, they are a big part of who you are. You cannot deny them any more than to deny your own skin.
There is great exhilaration in going off the beaten path, to lose yourself on your carefully scripted journey, to find your true self and allowing your gods and goddess to guide you. To be open to wonders you have never before imagined and would never find on your own. There is a saying that goes "Fear is a mind killer" It really does suck the creativity and fun oout of all that is life. Not being in control is also true test of your faith and spirituality. Not just saying you believe or announcing it loudly but living it. As a wise Chinese saying goes "The hardest thing in the world to do, is to do nothing at all."
The consequences of not being able to let go and lose control are just as disastrous. It means living a fearful, walled up boring life, with no new opportunities. It is to hold your onto to your mate, your child, your job so tight that your knuckles are sooo white you can't even feel your hands and you no longer enjoy any of the above, any longer.
In some ways this has been incredibly easy for me to write - the words just flowed from a very deep place in my soul - a bloodletting of sorts. It is for that same reason that it has been by far and away my hardest blog to write. During the writing I shook and been often to near tears. But anything worth doing requires effort, even when the effort is not do anything at all and to NOT be in control.
