What brought me to where I am was at age 20, after renouncing my born again Christian faith.....(yes I was one of them) I had avoid in my  life.  I was standing at a bus stop, going to school when I imagined what would happend after I died. All the trees and concrete and buildings would be around, but I would disappear, as if I never existed. My memory from other people would eventaully fade to nothingness and they would move on. At that moment, I felt sucked in literally into the ground as if it were some bad LSD experience (except I never did any drugs). It was sooo traumatic, I still shake to this thinking about it. For a week I slept 20 hours a day. I wanted to find the answer to death. No one around me obviously knew. So I started to read into near death experiences, a ton of New Age stuff, became a part time professional numerology reader. I was terrified about death well into my 30's like some bad nightmare that would not go away. I loved control (still do to a degree (winks)) and I could not image all my hard work in this lifetime eventaully going to crap!

       Over time I learned a lot of insight into death through Taoism, Castaneda's Toltec philosophy. I finally found a home in Wicca/Paganism. It allowed me to accept death, but even more so life. For over 10 years I was sooo afraid and depressed of death, I did not live life fully in my daily life.  Being Pagan has opened me up spiritually, personally, sexually etc. Nowadays I tend to live with a bit too much intensity for others (laughter) Eventually I will refine and mellow with old age. The spector of death does keep me incredibly honest, but it no longer rules me!   

     This has been one of the greatest gifts of being Pagan for me. Before it was hard for me to open up. Growing up I had gone through years of abuse. I was extremely close off to the world. I felt ignored, isolated, alone to all members of the opposite sex. With men I was nearly always butting heads and extremely competative. Through the study of Wicca it has opened up powerful emotions that I never really knew I had. At times the intensity is too much to handle. I want to connect with everyone now. It is less feelings in my head and more in my physical life, body and senses. The other religions seem to have connected only on a mental way with me. I have a much better intimacy/connection to the world then ever before. Even in the small mundane aspects of life of making the bed or preparing breakfast. Nowadays  I care less about controlling life and more about letting things flow - for good or for bad. I enjoy myself in the moment. Paganism is truly a religion of living.

One of my favorite quotes is from Goethe "A talent is formed in stillness, a character in the world's torrent. Often the most chaotic times of my life have been fodder for the most growth in my life. I have learned to love rather than fear the storms of life. I do not purposefully seek out conflict and chaos.... well at least not most of the time (winks). However I no longer cringe when difficulty is place in my path - it is a challenge, win or fall flat on my face, at least I have attempted it. With this philosphy my only regret is that I did not do more of this in my younger years.