I view my spirituality as a great web or wheel. From this there are 4 basic spokes/direction branch out from it. Each of these are made up of a 2 polarities - a yin/yang or God/Goddess energy. At the base of this web is the Center. This is the at the heart of my spirituality

 

This Center has had many names throughout the millennia - Dao, The Primal Source, Spirit, Energy Incarnate, in the Toltec tradition it is The Eagle, The Void, The Force, The Creator, The Great Web to name but a few.

 

It is everything, yet no one single thing. It is stillness and movement at the same time. Like in physics both an dot and a wave. I would not call it God, for it is not so much a what, but a how. It's diversity to big to be contained in anyone single form, thus it is surrounded by multiple Gods/Goddesses, spirits etc. It is extremely primal - the stuff of creation of the stars and planets. Within it is pregnant with unlimited possibilities, energy, magick, all of nature's laws. It is the epitome of neutrality.

 

It is not something you pray to, but rather something you become aligned with. It has shapeshifter potential to the wielder who understands it. The more balanced and diverse you become, the better, the better of a vessel you become for it's potential, the easier you are able to shift into any energy/mentality/attitude/form etc. The only way to tap into it's potential is with no ego.

It is beyond and cannot be expressed by words. It is pure experience and being in the moment, complete control and complete surrender. It is weightless, flowing energy with no concepts of judgement. It is the equivalent of an athelete's mentality of being "in the zone".

For me what best exemplifies this is the Norse rune Raidho for constant movement. I imagine myself as the calm center of a hurricane. Though for others virtually any path can lead you to it. "The saying all roads lead to Rome" is true here. As is the philosophy that all religions lead to the one source.

This is a topic that may not be popular amongst a population who may in many ways reverence the female energy vs. male energy, the soft vs. the hard.

The energies I speak of are the need to be selfish and primal, the desire to take what you want, the need to have your own dominion, to be forceful in your expression of your needs and the need to sever ties when all else fails. These energies are very much needed, they replicate our oldest instinct to survive, have boundaries and our little space of dominion over. It can be considered violent energy only in effects.

To me the fear of being too giving, too selfless and self denial, is as bad as being too selfish and too forceful. I am annoyed to no end by people who reject this energy. Anger has it's place to tell us that there is something wrong. People who deny it are as bad as those who lord it over others. It is as much a part of us, as our skin is. If you deny it, then it will only pop up in other parts less desirable in your life. Denying it, is like the "just say no" campaigns on sex and drugs, the more you deny the worse the pressure for it becomes. This in turn expresses itself in either hyper masculinity or hyper feminism. 2 extremes to the same coin.

The quote "it is always the quite ones you have to watch out for" is true. It is always the quiet, primal festering emotions that usually cause the most pressure and damage. People either "snap and go postal" or "have a nervous break down. As a counselor I see if this energy is not expressed, worked with, then it will be turned subconsciously towards others or towards self. Many of my victim clients have this and is exemplified by another quote "Depression is anger turned inwards" It is so true often corporate power executives crave to be subjugated the most in S&M or in risky behaviors.

The root and driving force of spells is the need for narcissism, for selfishness "What do I want with all my heart and soul, as if it were my last action on earth?" Selfishness provides a primal, instinctual focus and direction.

Think of primal desires or any desires like the power of fire. It is potent and needs understanding of how to harness it, yet is needed for survival and warmth. In many ways it is no different to the energy of unconditional loving. Both must be tended to or else they will either go out and be useless or rage uncontrollably. In our society we have not been taught how to cultivate effectively this selfishness. Often we treat it as something to be guilty of and asked for forgiveness for as an after thought.

I liken this energy to the flow of a raging river. A river is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It sweeps things up in it's path vs. a receptive pond/lake. It is cleansing, not stagnant and is only dangerous to those who do not know how to navigate it or not patient enough to wait for the right moment. It is a boundary for those who are too weak to conquer it.... Like selfish standards set when seeking a partner/lover, only the best can cross your sacred boundary, not just any untalented nobody. Having boundaries and standards provide the first/best line of defense against any abuse. Many people may squirm at this next football quote, but I have found this to be so true in many parts of my life. "The best defense of bad things happening to you is a good offense." When you are proactive, there is less of a chance you will be stuck holding less.

Sexually this is no different. I believe many couples have a poor intimate/sex life because they are afraid to communicate what they want or not forceful enough that it is at least acknowledged and accepted. That does mean those desires need to be followed through with - that is rape and is incredibly wrong. It also has to be a 2 way street, nothing works if either party hold back from their desires.

As a mental health professional I find being selfless and giving to an extreme is what creates many addicts and many victims of domestic violence. Many people become addicts or drunks because it replaces something they are too afraid to get in their daily lives. It also numbs them off so powerfully to the point where they forget what they wanted in the first place.

Self denial plays a great part in victims of domestic violence. The focus becomes not on themselves and their needs. "What do I want and crave?" These are questions that rarely cross their minds. A victim of domestic violence will have their focus on solely about the relationship, saving it and keeping it alive. Even to the sacrifice of their own health and the poor example set to their children. When you find out what you want, you also find out what you do not want. Thus you start to differentiate and set boundaries. You begin to release yourself from situations that do not make you happy. You no longer settle for less. These are base survival instincts so many of us have strayed away from.

In order for personal energy to thrive there is a need for endings and separating whether in relationships, jobs, personal habits or anything else. This is needed in order for new opportunities to grow and be given air to. I liken it to ripping of a band aid or cast.

Death of situations, destroying/deconstructing/scattering energy and endings are as much of a myth as are unifying energies. Nothing is ever truly unified for it is always in flux and change and movement. Nothing is every truly destroyed, it is just in a state of organization that we do not recognize - separate from it's original form. When we die will be really be destroyed? No just reorganized into something different. There is no real death of anything. I find this often with people who have either lost someone to death or in divorce. When we separate from something we love, we do not end, nor does a piece of us die, we merely open up ourselves to other equally beautiful energies to fill that void.

After all this writing I hope the reader will find the need to reverence, accept, make sacred, even pray to this energy of self and selfishness, in all it's forms. I hope it is no longer hidden in the closet as something to be ashamed or be afraid of, like some scarlet letter or red haired bastard child. Love yourself and your desire unconditionally. Only then can you love others fully without abandon.

This was dedicated to my own spiritual Deity - the Great Hunter - having helped me always seek after a better way despite what convention or norms had otherwise taught me. The survival instincts taught to me by my Deity have been as invaluable as my right hand to me.

      I believe what ever you pay attention to, is what you worship, that in turn lives. That in turn becomes your God/Goddess/Deity.

THIS GOES FAR BEYOND HOW YOU IDENTIFY WITH THINGS MENTALLY

      You can proclaim to be a Christian or devotee of Thor or Allah. If you constantly focus EMOTIONALLY on how unfair/evil the world is or on how low your self esteem is, then misery/anger become your true religion. There is an old Buddhist saying that goes "Your thoughts create this world" I believe they also create how you view your Deities as well. If you are negative then you will view your Deity to it's extreme. You often see this with Christians and Jesus.

       Religion/spirituality is great and it has always been a guiding force in some shape or form in my life. It has given me a connection to the bigger universe both within and outside myself. As wonderful as our connections with Deities are they are nothing if we do not first have intimacy with ourselves and our lives. We are not adequate vessels for our Deities if we are not good to ourselves first and foremost. Once we care for ourselves we can then be wonderful messengers of our Deities.

     As I grow older and wiser, I find less and less comfort with books. (though I still love em) I begin find the the sacred and beatiful in myself, my daily life and the people that are close to me both near and far in distance. Recently many special people and Dieties have inspired me to see this inner beauty that I never knew existed. However all of it would have been irrelevant had I not done the searching from within first. What does my inner God/Goddess thirst for? How can I in daily life care for myself more. After years of searching in the past for answers, my fortune was these answers came dramatically quicker.

     We may go to church or temple, but everyone's true place of worship is within ourselves and our feelings. Location is often nothing more than an inspiration for what is truly deep within ourselves. We color, wall paper, plant and create gardens within ourselves. Life is not black and white as we all know. Then why do we often create that drab, dull black and white atmosphere within ourselves?

       At times I'm not quite sure what I call myself with regards to religion because often I feel my relgion is my life. I do have my Deities and energies that I work with. However I believe religion is not just a concept but a way of life. It is never so much a WHAT, as much as a HOW. It is something that is felt 24/7 in our waking hours and when we sleep. It is making the same meal or bed in two very different ways, One with passion and thanks and connection. One with the feeling of a machine on auto pilot. Even if we have done it a 1000 times over.

            That is why what religion someone is, is often irrelevant. It is the mental tip of the iceberg, a cultural and personal expression of their life and it's history. Nothing more.

       I appreciate you all for listening. This felt very therapuetic. Today I was in a dire need of a creative outlet, now that I am taking a brief hiatus from my spiritual muse.

 

      In my brand of Paganism another Deity/Energy that I follow is Eternal Elder. It is one of the clothes that the Center/Energy Incarnate/Dao (for lack of a better word) wears. It represents growing old, time/life earned wisdom and the letting go in all of us. For most people this is a very tough God/Goddess to confront. Old age, deterioration of health, mind, relationships, jobs. We all tend to cling to things no matter how long they have been on their last throws of death. Letting go is a beautiful thing when we are able to finally do it on our own terms. The Eternal Elder teaches living life as if it were our last moment. This is not in a desperate mad scramble but daily death and letting go. In Castaneda's teachings this is recapitulation. It teaches us to slow down and reflect (not only in time when we are in trouble/stuck) 

        The symbol for the Eternal Elder for me is the Hermit card, an elder standing on top of the mountain, alone, showing a compassionate light, but not forcing it. Letting others come to him. This energy teaches the need for solitude and get away from it all. At times, isolation is not a bad thing. In times of depression even our bodies/minds are telling us it is time to slow down and heal. There is a favorite quote of mine - "The quieter you are the more you can hear." Getting perspective after going through an experience, be it an infintely pleasureable one or a painfully hellish one. What have we learned and what can we take from it into "our next lifetime/year/experience"

      Many people hit a brick wall when you say old age and death. Ok..... what's next...... I'm stripped down to nothing but old ragged bones and sagging skin. What is the next step. It just means getting ready to put on new clothes again!  

       One of the deities I believe in is the Great Hunter/Protector. This deity is not necessarily male or female, we all have it in us regardless of the tools we have down under (laughter) It is one that is sadly missing from many, many Pagans attitudes. Many Pagans I know are very poor shape out of choice. The Great Hunter's world is first and foremost very physical, very survival oriented. It's time is during the winter, when being concrete practical and in great physical shape meant survival or death, period, no do overs. These are a few of it's traits commitment, hard edge to life and to all things, hardness to sex, toughness, overcoming obstacles, strategy, ruthlessness when needed for surival, passion for competition and survival. The Great Hunter is great at organizing, prioritizing and narrowing things down to an arrow point. There is no ego involved here. It is incredibly receptive to changes in the environment. This is done throgh it's which quiet mind and mouth.

       It's motto is "only the strong and smart will survive, the weak will perish" This is said with no malice. It is a protector of the immediate clan, but not to the extent of being an enabler of weak members. Not to the extent of sacrificing itself - You can't help others if you don't help yourself first.
        Like all things in my pantheon it is passionate, raw energy. It is balanced by the other 3 deities. If imbalanced and using this energy, then you can become a tyrant quite easily. Much of my emotional and spiritual inspiration of the Great Hunter/Protector is not only from instinct but from the Castaneda Toltec line of books, specifically: The Wheel of Time, The Sorcerers' Crossing among others.    

!!!I always welcome questions and comments!!!!