I have been a away from Covenspace for a while and may continue to lurk on and off for many personal storms in my life now. I just felt such a need to post this with the disclaimer that A.) I am not a pervert in any sense of the word. B.) I am not an exhibitionist either. C.) I have lived a repressed, sheltered, suburbia life for all my years.

     A few days ago I went to Lilly Dale which is a beautiful Spiritualist place for mediums, a compound of sorts, It is a bit new agey but still very nice. That experience really cleared the air of my life, helping me reconnect to the deeper parts of my spirituality, sort of like a tune up or a good pipe cleaning. Yesterday I smudged the house and almost instantly my allergies went wayyyy down.  This morning I went out complete stark naked in the backyard. This is no small feat, since there are neighbors on all sides. (laughter) It was not exactly what I expected, sort like the first time you do anything (winks and more laughter)

First it was incredibly, incredibly liberating, just amazing to feel the innocence of what it means to be human. The feel of the grass, the cool and very windy feel of the air which was a bit chilly at times, but even that wrapping myself in nothing but the blanket I brought to lay upon was WoW, so primal.  The feeling of all my pieces and parts exposed and touching the earth, the wind, places where few such things other than shower water ever touch it. The sensual aspect consisted of only a brief erection and then gone like the wind. That was not m focus today. I gloried in laying on the blanket and looking up at the tree from below, hugging the bare bark rough against my skin. Later as I got a bit more courage I walked bare around the yard. The soft, wet feel of the earth under my feet, with mushy mud beneath my toes. Having nothing but just pure senses about me. Even the sounds of the rustling of the wind through the leaves and grass, the early morning birds chirping was so amplified and beautiful. When I sat down on the rough grass feeling and being eye level to it all. There was no real desire to meditate, perhaps in future times there will be. It was just to feel a thousand different sensations all at once. Though I have done sooo many of these things clothed, it really did give a whole new feel to it. It was all soooo amazing and beautiful, one I will treasure and repeat.

I don't mean to glorify this at all, in the sense of our ancestors did live incredibly hard and tough lives beyond a doubt, but is it was so nice to feel the freedom to notice the difference in the mentalities of general society. I could imagine if I told this to anyone on the street 9.5 out of 10 people would either chastise me or give me a mega eye roll and call me a tree hugger. 1 out of 10 would have probably secretly wished to have done something like that, but been too afraid to speak up and gone with the 9.5 crowd.

In the end it is further process along my path. It is a loosening of inhibitions and a reconnecting to my youth, my primal past and an increasing bond with my base nature, my gods and nature.

Attitude is about the HOW you approach everything. Do you approach things (life in general) with fear? With over confidence? With something to prove? With balanced free flowing attitude or a closed off cautious air? Attitude is the harbinger of everything we do. It is arrives ahead of us, well before we do. It sets things in motion years ahead of projects we have yet to even dream of.

Whether it is a completely new start at something or a renewal of something old in your life or just your daily approach to life in the morning, your Attitude is the driving force of it all. It is the tip of the arrow. People see this even before you open your mouth. They know it for sure within the first minute or two of a conversation with you. It is in your walk, your tone of voice, rate of speech, posture, eye contact and so much more. Attitude is oblivious to what you wear and what you say. It can fool no one, especially those who are more instinctual..... they will see right through it.

Attitude tested -  As in all things - it is tested the most when you are in crisis or have everything you want that is when you find out what your attitude truly is about. In crisis, it is obvious, our faith in ourselves is tested. The flip side is when we have everything we want, how lax do we become, how complacent, how slow does our pace become, how low does our motivation become for growth? Both situations are equally dangerous.

Consistent attitude - A true measure of how consistent your attitude is, is how you carry yourself in between spaces. What I mean by that is when you are between actions, people and roles - how do you approach life then, when no one is looking? There is a saying about attitude - how you eat, walk, make love, parent your child etc. is what your attitude is. It is the flavor flow of our lives.

Personally I know my heart has been in the right place for years, but my attitude towards life has not been what should have. I realized my attitude has been either fearful or too lax. I have either been too caught up in the immediate crisis/pleasure of the day or slacked off aimlessly in those in between spots of my life. This has encompassed all of my endeavors including spirituality, parenting, relationships and work. With this new start, it is one of the first things I check/prepare in the morning and the last thing I look at as I do my closings prayers/meditations of the day.

The Process of me is going to be a series of blogs on my growth as I go through a very, very difficult period of my life. I'm finding a need/am forced to really start from scratch in all areas of my life. The slumber of my life is over. I'm hoping this is not some new age fluff idealism and that I truly make real growth. I hope my aspirations and expectations are not unrealistic or malformed. I'm hoping I do not hit the cold rock of reality in what I do next, falling broken and cracked. Everything that my life has been till now, will be interpreted by what I do next. Every relationship and close person will be a witness, will be influenced and will judge me by how consistent I am in what I undertake next. Though a change I feel must be made.

It is not a frantic do or die, but it is the biggest sole endeavor of my life. There is no mom or dad or anyone else to bail me out if I fall. If I fail, I fail hard and brutally. If I am able to work on myself in the ways I feel I can, then rewards will be a transformation of myself beyond my wildest of dreams.

I have a simple but deep goal, I want to wrap myself up in the blanket of life in all it's expression, in all it's forms. I want to touch and be touched and become intimately one with life. I want to feel and explore all the beauty and texture in the differences that make life what it is. I love differences, yet I want to go beyond the "us vs. them" mentality. I want to speak the common language of all of life. I want to embrace the routine of my daily living and then expand outward beyond it's protective societal bubble. I want to expand beyond work, beyond family, beyond everything I know about myself.

A year ago I took the middle name Raidho, after the rune for Journey, not because I follow a Norse path, but because my life has been a series of intense journeys and movements. To the core of my being, I needed remember that all life is in constant movement, a constant reaching for the next step. Thus my journey begins. Thus I start the Process of me.