Attitude is about the HOW you approach everything. Do you approach things (life in general) with fear? With over confidence? With something to prove? With balanced free flowing attitude or a closed off cautious air? Attitude is the harbinger of everything we do. It is arrives ahead of us, well before we do. It sets things in motion years ahead of projects we have yet to even dream of.
Whether it is a completely new start at something or a renewal of something old in your life or just your daily approach to life in the morning, your Attitude is the driving force of it all. It is the tip of the arrow. People see this even before you open your mouth. They know it for sure within the first minute or two of a conversation with you. It is in your walk, your tone of voice, rate of speech, posture, eye contact and so much more. Attitude is oblivious to what you wear and what you say. It can fool no one, especially those who are more instinctual..... they will see right through it.
Attitude tested - As in all things - it is tested the most when you are in crisis or have everything you want that is when you find out what your attitude truly is about. In crisis, it is obvious, our faith in ourselves is tested. The flip side is when we have everything we want, how lax do we become, how complacent, how slow does our pace become, how low does our motivation become for growth? Both situations are equally dangerous.
Consistent attitude - A true measure of how consistent your attitude is, is how you carry yourself in between spaces. What I mean by that is when you are between actions, people and roles - how do you approach life then, when no one is looking? There is a saying about attitude - how you eat, walk, make love, parent your child etc. is what your attitude is. It is the flavor flow of our lives.
Personally I know my heart has been in the right place for years, but my attitude towards life has not been what should have. I realized my attitude has been either fearful or too lax. I have either been too caught up in the immediate crisis/pleasure of the day or slacked off aimlessly in those in between spots of my life. This has encompassed all of my endeavors including spirituality, parenting, relationships and work. With this new start, it is one of the first things I check/prepare in the morning and the last thing I look at as I do my closings prayers/meditations of the day.
The Process of me is going to be a series of blogs on my growth as I go through a very, very difficult period of my life. I'm finding a need/am forced to really start from scratch in all areas of my life. The slumber of my life is over. I'm hoping this is not some new age fluff idealism and that I truly make real growth. I hope my aspirations and expectations are not unrealistic or malformed. I'm hoping I do not hit the cold rock of reality in what I do next, falling broken and cracked. Everything that my life has been till now, will be interpreted by what I do next. Every relationship and close person will be a witness, will be influenced and will judge me by how consistent I am in what I undertake next. Though a change I feel must be made.
It is not a frantic do or die, but it is the biggest sole endeavor of my life. There is no mom or dad or anyone else to bail me out if I fall. If I fail, I fail hard and brutally. If I am able to work on myself in the ways I feel I can, then rewards will be a transformation of myself beyond my wildest of dreams.
I have a simple but deep goal, I want to wrap myself up in the blanket of life in all it's expression, in all it's forms. I want to touch and be touched and become intimately one with life. I want to feel and explore all the beauty and texture in the differences that make life what it is. I love differences, yet I want to go beyond the "us vs. them" mentality. I want to speak the common language of all of life. I want to embrace the routine of my daily living and then expand outward beyond it's protective societal bubble. I want to expand beyond work, beyond family, beyond everything I know about myself.
A year ago I took the middle name Raidho, after the rune for Journey, not because I follow a Norse path, but because my life has been a series of intense journeys and movements. To the core of my being, I needed remember that all life is in constant movement, a constant reaching for the next step. Thus my journey begins. Thus I start the Process of me.
When you start off something new, anything new, it like being a teenager being between stages, neither an adult yet neither a child. It is a phase of being a fluffy bunny.
First off, there is always a romanticized feeling about new beginnings, about starting off something new, be it a relationships, religion, jobs, school, lifestyle. There is that thrill, energies and untold potential behind it all. There is a deep air of mystery and anticipation behind it. This initial phase consists of doing a lot of playing and pretending, thus the term "wanna be" Often times just like when people are teenagers they surround themselves with other like minded "wanna be's" not necessarily to learn from each other as much as to come together in safety. For starting off any new adventure is really, really scary.
Then something comes to dislodge you initially from that safety nest - be it unemployment - having to go to college - a vision - or marriage or some other right of passage. It is a hard bounce into the reality of what you undertake. It is that moment as in the movie the Matrix - do I take the red pill or blue pill. I have to make a choice now and it will forever change everything. Another example of this is a 1st year college student who flunks out his/her first semester due to excessive partying. It is the end of being a fluffy bunny......at least for the moment!
Once you get past this faze you realize how much dedication, preparation, study, countless internal sparring, refining, energy and time is required for this goal. It is beyond reaching the goal. It is a literal transforming and shapeshifting yourself into something new.
Many people fail due to the fear of being overwhelmed, losing a sense of themselves. They get childishly impatient about how their version of becoming an adult does not match up with reality. They get very lonely, for this journey must be taken alone. There are immense fears of being a failure, questioning your abilities, losing all the time and energy you have put into it for nothing. It is enough to send anyone of us in any phase of change - whether we choose to call ourselves a fluffy bunny or not - running for the hills (((LOL))) or back to our old secure place of being a fluffy bunny!
What keeps those of us going on despite this is a burning desire for something more than what we have, a passion for a new direction. There is that fear of returning back to that old self that no longer fits - like an old high school t-shirt. What also keeps us going it that there is that slowly seeing of changes within us and that thread of hope in seeing things move forward just one more step further. It wets our appetite just that much to want to keep going.
This blog is in dedication to anyone who tries anything new, anyone who embarks upon something new and fully embraces that effort. It is to all those fluffy bunnies, myself included. Beginnings are always very messy, but so worth the effort if we stay the course. We become transformed into something entirely new. We become a work of art.
This has been a most scary, exhilarating, important and truly beautiful experience all at once. This has been one of my hardest lessons to learn because being in control has worked for me and helped me survive mentally and emotionally so many of my traumas. My first step into it all was an involuntary shamanic death experience I had - the ultimate form of not being in control. I am a counselor, so it is so important to appear confident and in control, knowing what you are doing at all times, even when you have no answers. It is the same way of being a parent, having to be on top of things all of the time. Lately the weight of wanting to be in control has been crushing.
This is an incredible important spiritual lesson and daily in all of our lives. In our daily spiritual practice, I believe it is what separates us from our deities. It is our over cautiousness, our inability to trust ourselves, our deities, our path. It is our inability to let go of this world and travel to the next one. This could be in a spiritual sense, a daily life sense or it could be just stepping into another person's shoes.
When I say not being in control, I don't mean being a blind sheep to fate, nor being reckless and uncaring. It is about letting go completely, while honing your skills, being ready when opportunity calls. A favorite saying of mine from the movie Little Black Book (very, very cool movie) states "Luck is when opportunity meets preparation" It is to learn to flow with the forces of the universe that are much greater than ourselves, while still not losing who we are - our principles, desires, needs - just being flexible in them.
The first step in not being in control is realizing we are not the center of the universe. There are sooo many intricate strands and people balanced in the Great Web of Life. We simply cannot bulldoze our way through without consequences. It is to acknowledge we have less power in the outer world then we think we have. It is letting go of our egos, but not letting ourselves go at the same time. We need to learn to live differently. I've seen this countless times with people who try to convert others into whatever - be it religion, food, self help, a certain lifestyle. "I know what is best for you" mentality.
Not to be in control means opening yourself up to huge fears of the possibility that you may fall and be hurt. Often times we are terrified to let go because we do not trust our own abilities to deal with life, our own abilities to get up, our own abilities to heal ourselves. This is what Existentialists call the great leap of faith. Often times we are too comfortable in our situation to allow ourselves to not be in control. We either become too quiet or too loud to deflect our fears/spotlight from ourselves.
My hunter god is teaching me patience in this. Hunters, fishermen/fisherwomen have to wait before the right opportunities come before acting on them. Otherwise incredible amounts of time and energy is wasted in the mean time. You hurt your opportunities even more so, by disturbing the natural flow or missing something else that may be vitally important, while swatting around.
Much of the reason why most people fear not being in control is doing it voluntarily vs. involuntarily. Most of my clients suffer from trauma through involuntary circumstances. To overcome this you have to delve inside and to fully acknowledge your hurt completely before you can even begin to heal it. It is an extremely painful journey to relive past memories, but vitally important. For no matter how painful these memories, they are a big part of who you are. You cannot deny them any more than to deny your own skin.
There is great exhilaration in going off the beaten path, to lose yourself on your carefully scripted journey, to find your true self and allowing your gods and goddess to guide you. To be open to wonders you have never before imagined and would never find on your own. There is a saying that goes "Fear is a mind killer" It really does suck the creativity and fun oout of all that is life. Not being in control is also true test of your faith and spirituality. Not just saying you believe or announcing it loudly but living it. As a wise Chinese saying goes "The hardest thing in the world to do, is to do nothing at all."
The consequences of not being able to let go and lose control are just as disastrous. It means living a fearful, walled up boring life, with no new opportunities. It is to hold your onto to your mate, your child, your job so tight that your knuckles are sooo white you can't even feel your hands and you no longer enjoy any of the above, any longer.
In some ways this has been incredibly easy for me to write - the words just flowed from a very deep place in my soul - a bloodletting of sorts. It is for that same reason that it has been by far and away my hardest blog to write. During the writing I shook and been often to near tears. But anything worth doing requires effort, even when the effort is not do anything at all and to NOT be in control.
Probably the best pasta I have ever had, though this is only my tastes, because I love cheese and spice. I hope everyone has a chance try this one out!
