The four energy tactics used are real and they are Poor Me, Intimidator, Aloof and Inquisitor. These are the dynamics/personalities that the Celestine Prophecy warns us against. People create these dramas and chaos as a smoke screen. They then move in for the kill to steal unguarded personal energy. The effect these tactics have are to stun the victim, eventually breaking them down into hopelessness. People can use multiple roles at once. Most people have a favorite one they prefer. Again all of us to a small degree but it is important to be vigilant when it becomes a habitual pattern. This can be no different than a drug addict seeking a fix. These tactics are sooo insidious they are like tar on the bottom of your shoe, you don't even realize it until you are drained from dragging all the extra sticky baggage around.
These initial 2 are my toughest to deal with personally, requiring tons of repeated effort at them. The toughest thing with these personality types are that they are willing to escalate to possible lethality of themselves or others.
Poor me's - are the victims of the world - stealing energy through non real woes of pity, suffering, placing themselves on the cross, in extreme cases when they threaten suicide(with absolutely no intention of following through). They will spin unimaginable tales of woe and are in constant need of saving. They are the high maintenance types without a backbone. Often times because of their incessant complaining their partners will spiritually take them on their backs and take them wherever and do whatever for them. The key to dealing with a Poor Me is to leave them alone for a while, go away for extended times and have them see that their world did not indeed fall apart, then praise them for their strength. If they continue to whine, then time to let them sink deeper until they find REAL woe.
Intimidator's - are the violent strong arm ones. They will make all sorts of threats and use of force whether physical or verbal yelling to get what they want. They rule by an inflexible iron hand and will make you feel that you need to submit "or else" The secret is they are not strong, without someone to suck energy from they have no identity and no sense of self or purpose. When the relationship leaves them they fall like a stack of cards. They are actually very fearful towards the world. Their internal mantra is "I will hurt you before you get a chance to hurt me". Intimidators cannot be confronted, if you are not in a position of power due to their violent verbal or physical nature. They are best dealt with by simply leaving and never coming back. If you do decide to try to tangle and reform these individuals, then concrete consequences work the best. NEVER promise a consequence you will not follow through with. I am a counselor that does NOT believe in anger management - most people manage their anger well when they have to at work or when a police officer pulls them over for speeding. They seem to mysteriously lose their control when they are with their spouse, elderly parent or children.
The next two are probably the easiest to deal with in my experiences. Though that could be just because of the person I am and the way I deal with people.
Aloof's - are just the opposite. They do not want to take control of anything. They remain quiet, undecided, go where the wind blows. They ride on the energy of others. So often the victim of an aloof person will be kept guessing indefinitely. Trying a 100 different ways to please their partner, but rarely ever emitting a real yes or no from them. What keeps the victim going back is the rare time they "hit the lottery" and please their partner. The key to dealing with an aloof is to play the same game back and have them play the hunter instead, and expand their energy vs. only using yours.
Interrogator's - will ask for a million explanations, and why's. Nothing is ever good enough for these individuals, even if you walked on water. After one of these individuals get done with your, you will feel spiritually like you have been worked over by the CIA, FBI and Secret Service all in one. Internally they are miserable, knowing something is wrong, but not caring to look inwards. The best way to deal with these individuals is by going with the flow and agreeing yes life is not perfect. Humor is an excellent, excellent way to keep these brainiacs from taking them too seriously, though they may change to the poor me personality in some cases. It does wound their pride quiet well. Do not be too ready to jump at each of their whims, they feed off your anxiety and eagerness to answer for yourself.
Though the above commentary is comical in some aspects, it is meant to be taken seriously. Long term exposure to such individuals could result in a great regressing in your spirituality, in your self esteem and sense of self worth, making you think you are the insane one in the relationship. Please take care of yourself and nurture your soul with beauty and good people. Please take time out to be alone and get a rest from the chaos the these people and from life in general.
Though an older "New Age" book, I still find great wisdom on energy in it. As Pagans we deal with energy constantly, both in nature, in our living environments and with other people. As Pagans most of us are more sensitive and attuned to these energies and are easily aroused, drained or hurt by them if we are not aware of them. What I have written here are principles from the book and my own interpretation and commentary on them
Laws - Beauty is a barometer of energy
When you find something beautiful, it is a good source of energy for you. "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" is so true. We are each attracted to a different type of energy, be it people, places or objects. As I have gathered in my personal life the most beautiful people are the ones who have beauty on many, many different levels like a whirling kaleidoscope...... you know who you are ;) The key is that we find multiple sources of beauty, not just one energy source. We then become diverse and sturdy like a tree with roots going in many directions. If we don't then we will either burn out that energy source or eventually grow bored of it. A saying by the Dali Lama "I like chocolate cake, but I would not want to eat it all of the time"
Efficiency and independence
The really advanced people of our time are like plants. They are able give and receive energy effortlessly, but making most of their energy on their own from their environment vs. relying on others to be spoon and sippy cup fed. Plants are extremely efficient, everything has a purpose, they waste nothing. Thus they are closest to the earth and the source of all life, putting humanity in a different perspective ;)
Individuality and conflict
In truly good relationships the energy dynamics are similar to a plant's, little energy is wasted, there is an individual entwining and creating, all parts working together in a unified one, yet still branching outwards individually in all directions. Conflict is minimal and never violent or needy unless absolutely needed for a change of course. Giving and receiving is equal, on all ends.
Energy vampires and unhealthy relationships
Unless you are a saint or one of the few wise women/men of the world you are an energy vampire to somewhat of a degree. We virtually all are, if but unconsciously. The tactics of vampires will leave the victim drained. Energy vampires to varying degrees have an inability to make their own energy, so they create ploys and dramas to steal energy from others.
In every relationship there needs to be a hunter and hunted. It is what keeps us sharp in our relationships. The responsibility lays for both partners in a relationship. Both partners need to take turns, other wise the dance gets very old very fast. It is incredibly important to have that passionate pursing in the relationship, making your partner feel as if they are worthy to be pursued, giving them your undivided attention as if they are the only goal on earth to be hunted after and desired. Equally important is that you open up yourself to your partner and allow yourself to feel vulnerable, naked, chased, and consumed by your mates desire and passion. Niether of these points can be emphasized enough!
As living beings humans, we all seek homeostasis. Not too much stimulation, nor too little. This blog is especially important for those just entering into a new relationship. So, so, so, so much is determined in your attitude before even starting a relationship and in the first few weeks, months and years of that new relationship. After that it is painstakingly hard to change old habits, the old dance.
On the hunting end
When we hunt/seek after our partner too little, they will either become to depressed, complacent or seek stimulation elsewhere. Am I not worth hunting after - they may ask in some shape or form? The need to hunger after your partner and express that is critical
When we over hunt - then that is a form of smothering. When you take up every ounce of your partner and not letting them breathe, the relationship becomes boring and predictable. It will similarly either suck the energy out your partner leaving them depressed, or they will have an intense desire to flee for private time either working long hours, going out more or being lost in some sort TV or video game.
On hunted end
If we challenge our partners to little, then they take us for granted. There is no motivation for them to try to woo us or surprise us if we are too readily available. We then become as interesting and challenging as a ready made microwave turkey dinner, a few steps to the fridge, a few minutes to heat up, few minutes to eat and the thrill is gone. As partners we have to keep our mates off balance, mysterious and stimulated. Often times this happens when we are interesting to ourselves. As a counselor I cringe when people say they are in a relationship because it is too boring to be alone. If you are boring to yourself, imagine how boring you will be to your mate. This is especially true when the sex wears off, and believe me it will.
If you challenge your mate too much then they will give up. If you set an impossible bar, they will either burn out or become too disinterested in the long run to care. In the end it is almost the proverbial carrot and the stick analogy. Give em enough to keep them interested but never the whole thing ever. There always needs to be more of yourself to be discovered/hunted after, but it is just around the corner, not yet.
Off season/down time hunting in a relationship
The need to have fun, fluff and down time in a relationship is so important. If you do not have this and have getaways to reconnect, especially with children involved, the relationship will burn out very quickly. It is the dessert in relationship, some light fluff playtime whether it is sexually/intimately or just playing a board game and cards. Just laying and not doing anything with your partner can be pure bliss. To experience your partner naturally in all their glory with no TV, no music, no computer, just the two of you. This also is an excellent test, to see if there are commonalities. It is amazing how painstaking some people feel about spending a vacation alone with their partner, or even just a whole day of not doing anything together. An analogy of a rubber band being too tight, it will break if not given some slack and looseness. Can you feel comfort in the off season of a relationship when there is no particular goal.
Up time in a relationship.
In relationships what gives a nice continuous spark is inspiration. Does your partner inspire you and bring you up, or are they status quo? Are they the same person from a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago? I see this often in relationships when one partner is passionate about something whether that is losing weight, pursuing a degree or taking up a new interest and the other one just is stagnant. If your intensities for growth do not match on some level, then eventually either your flame or the relationship's flame will die out. Most often it is your will be your flame that will sputter out, complacency is extremely contagious. If there is no creative tension, the same analogy of a rubber band applies. It becomes too slack and with not enough substance. It will not hold you upright, straight or together.
This blog is dedicated to the quote "Those who can't do, teach."
